The hole he has dug into my heart widens and deepens each day with sorrow and animosity.
I cannot fathom the cruelty he possesses.
I'm silently crying in my own shame, the shame of knowing this would happen when I chose to marry someone who never loved me and never could.
This hole can never be repaired.
This is my first blog, perhaps not the prudent thing to do when in the midst of a very emotional breakup. But I have to say these things, because we always think that if we ask nicely, or if we cry first, the other person will finally let you explain your heartache. So, here goes nothin'...
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
New start?
Today I try to begin anew. After having my car burglarized on Dec 30, finding out he took the comprehensive insurance off my car when I called to file my claim, then my kid's scooter being stolen off my porch, it's time for change.
In 2011 I came to terms with many things. I decided to be honest with myself about myself. I said goodbye to someone I cared a great deal for. I lost a friend. I went back and forth in a marriage headed for disaster. So yeah, I have reasons to move forward.
The thing about me is that I've always been unreasonably "dreamy". I've been told many times by many people that I am not realistic. Well, that's okay for me. I like dreaming, wishing and hoping for the best. I enjoy thinking of what I'll do first when I get to Italy, at long last!
I think the biggest lesson I learned over the past year is that I can only count on ME. It's sad to say it aloud, but it's the truth. Perhaps there are women out there who can get whatever they want from a man. There are women who are spoiled and protected by men. There are people in the world who DO get what they want, desire, need. I just don't happen to be one of them right now. And as much as I am sad about this right now, I also know that someday, one day, I'll have what I want. I'll have a person next to me who WANTS to be there. I'm not known for my patience, but I will wait, knowing that eventually the things I truly want and need will come to me.
So today I am trying to be kinder, softer, more patient. I'm trying to be calmer, I'm trying to think before speaking. I'm really going to put in the effort to better myself.
I'm a bit excited and a lot scared.
In 2011 I came to terms with many things. I decided to be honest with myself about myself. I said goodbye to someone I cared a great deal for. I lost a friend. I went back and forth in a marriage headed for disaster. So yeah, I have reasons to move forward.
The thing about me is that I've always been unreasonably "dreamy". I've been told many times by many people that I am not realistic. Well, that's okay for me. I like dreaming, wishing and hoping for the best. I enjoy thinking of what I'll do first when I get to Italy, at long last!
I think the biggest lesson I learned over the past year is that I can only count on ME. It's sad to say it aloud, but it's the truth. Perhaps there are women out there who can get whatever they want from a man. There are women who are spoiled and protected by men. There are people in the world who DO get what they want, desire, need. I just don't happen to be one of them right now. And as much as I am sad about this right now, I also know that someday, one day, I'll have what I want. I'll have a person next to me who WANTS to be there. I'm not known for my patience, but I will wait, knowing that eventually the things I truly want and need will come to me.
So today I am trying to be kinder, softer, more patient. I'm trying to be calmer, I'm trying to think before speaking. I'm really going to put in the effort to better myself.
I'm a bit excited and a lot scared.
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