The Missing

So this night I  write of what I've missed, the missing moments, the missing memories, what I deserved but never got.

I missed the smiling photos, full of the resonance of truth and a genuine gratitude. I missed the moments of him putting his hand on my belly, the smiling when he found out we were pregnant again. I missed the sad clingings to one another after the loss of our daughters. I missed the pride on his face when we became a family at our wedding. I missed those Kodak moments, you know the ones...the ones where we talk about "our design style", "our favorite vacation spot", "our movie night".
It looks as though I missed out on a life, the one I wanted, the one I worked so hard for. I missed out on those happy and sad moments, all the moments you're supposed to get, good and bad, all the moments that remind you that life is not spent alone, in solitude.

He never laughed with me during family moments, the ones you're supposed to carry in your heart forever. I never got the moments when we cry at the birth of our new child, or embrace at the sound of his first word. He didn't hug me when my eldest graduated, didn't go with us when we moved him to college. He didn't help me after my surgery, instead put on headphones and ignored my pleading for help and painkillers. I don't understand. I cannot. I will not. I got nothing out of this. The worst part is that I did nothing about it. Does that mean I got what I deserve? I kept thinking it would get better. I kept thinking that something would trigger an emotion, evoke a response, conjure up a feeling. Think of every moment you've shared with another, good or bad, and think of how connected you felt at that moment. I have none in my memory.
I have finally reached that point where I can't even watch an HGTV show without being sad that I'm not a part of the family looking for a new home, or renovating their backyard. As silly as it sounds, that's the life I wanted, and still want. What can I possibly have to look forward to now? I missed out on all of it. No home movies, no family outings, no cozy nights on the couch. I have to start over. How???

I see so much pain in this world, and I find myself feeling envy toward those less fortunate. Many time they have someone, a "someone" to share in their struggle, to hold them at night, to lean on. I have no one. I made a huge mistake and it's too late and now I'm too old to start over. I can't stay. I'm afraid to go. I am so sad and so full of questions and statements and regret. I need so badly for him to hear me, but he has nothing but contempt for me. Nothing but disgust, and I have no idea why. I can't figure it out and it's so difficult.

I live with a person who only acknowledges me if I speak over and over again, only answers a questions if I ask over and over again, and then only gives cryptic answers. I can't get a full response, can't get a decision. I can't ask about a parking ticket because he won't answer me. Meanwhile, my life hangs in the balance, dangling like raw meat awaiting the lions. I can't afford to leave, I can't afford to stay. I have no currency with which to live. None financial, none emotional. I simply wait. I sit, I lay, I cry, I stand, I drive, I speak. Alone.