Interim

It lasts forever, this interim. It never goes away. It haunts me, taunts me, pulls me deep and close then pushes me far away. Pursuing my education has given me focus and yet, still, this turmoil won't end. It's true what is commonly said: life is hard. When we do not have sufficient resources it's difficult to truly enact change. When two people commit to one another, oftentimes it is based on the belief that hard times will not come. When times get tough, we try to work through things. But when a couple has lost the love or one person has lost their sense of commitment, it's easy to give up. It is during these times that there is often a failure to remember the need for partnership, if not emotionally, then at least morally.
When you love someone, it's difficult to see that perhaps what you feel isn't quite what they feel. We love, we adore, we LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVE. It's never the same for any two people, I've discovered. I have always said that the person who loves less has the control. In the past I had relationships in which I attempted to be the one with the control. I tried to keep clear about giving too much of myself, choosing instead to distance myself if I felt like I was getting too involved. Well, what goes around DOES come around! I finally get to an age and a state of mind whereby I'm ready to jump, to really jump. I risked it. I chose to give all of myself. In doing so, I lost control. I lost my sense of self, my sense of value, my sense of taking a stand. I became a couple, yes, all by myself! I realize now (hindsight, right?!) that I while I jumped in with both feet, I was giving myself to one who had barely put his toes in, choosing instead to stand back and watch the show, reveling in the spectacle of me in love.
When things get rough and you realize that you signed up for a different life than the one your spouse did, it's deafening. It's devastating. It's the end, the bitter end. Things unravel. Things fall apart. Things CHANGE. It's quite amazing how much your perspective is truly askew when you are in love and "in life". Even during hard times, things are clear, they are transparent. Once reality sets in, it gets muddy. The smog of deceit and uncertainty fills the air and it's hard to see. You question yourself, the other person, the world! The first thing that happens is friends become scarce. The positivity police aren't interested in shitty news. You really figure out quickly who gives a shit. The people who proclaimed, "we're here for you!" are gone - POOF! Just like that! And just like that, you are alone, standing there in the gray smog, holding your heart in your hands, the blood and destruction dripping down your wrist and onto your open-toed shoes. You are soaking wet with sadness and confusion, and you want to be strong. You really do. You want to move forward and tell yourself, "you're worth so much more!" and get over this pain. The truth is, no matter how many ways I've tried to say it, out loud, to myself, to others, the truth is, when I'm all alone, in my car, in my (formerly our) rom, in my kitchen, those voices starts whispering to me. They say, "he chased her, he called her, he didn't want you, he settled." They call me stupid and naïve. They tell me that I made the biggest mistake of my life, and that my life is half over but never really started. What does one do when her life is half over, but it still has not begun?
I don't know what to do anymore. The truth is, the world expects that as time goes on ("it's been years, get over it!"), nothing becomes clear except the fact that NOTHING IS CLEAR. Time is supposed to bring back the focus, the self-worth ("we've heard it all before, now move on!"), the drive, the determination. All that really happens is that you have more shit to think about, more situations to look back on with sadness, more red flags to discover in "hindsight" (there's THAT word again). It doesn't get better.
It isn't getting better.

A Hole Torn

The hole he has dug into my heart widens and deepens each day with sorrow and animosity.
I cannot fathom the cruelty he possesses.
I'm silently crying in my own shame, the shame of knowing this would happen when I chose to marry someone who never loved me and never could.
This hole can never be repaired.

New start?

Today I try to begin anew. After  having my car burglarized on Dec 30, finding out he took the comprehensive insurance off my car when I called to file my claim, then my kid's scooter being stolen off my porch, it's time for change.
In 2011 I came to terms with many things. I decided to be honest with myself about myself. I said goodbye to someone I cared a great deal for. I lost a friend. I went back and forth in a marriage headed for disaster. So yeah, I have reasons to move forward.
The thing about me is that I've always been unreasonably "dreamy". I've been told many times by many people that I am not realistic. Well, that's okay for me. I like dreaming, wishing and hoping for the best. I enjoy thinking of what I'll do first when I get to Italy, at long last!

I think the biggest lesson I learned over the past year is that I can only count on ME. It's sad to say it aloud, but it's the truth. Perhaps there are women out there who can get whatever they want from a man. There are women who are spoiled and protected by men. There are people in the world who DO get what they want, desire, need. I just don't happen to be one of them right now. And as much as I am sad about this right now, I also know that someday, one day, I'll have what I want. I'll have a person next to me who WANTS to be there. I'm not known for my patience, but I will wait, knowing that eventually the things I truly want and need will come to me.

So today I am trying to be kinder, softer, more patient. I'm trying to be calmer, I'm trying to think before speaking. I'm really going to put in the effort to better myself.
I'm a bit excited and a lot scared.

The Missing

So this night I  write of what I've missed, the missing moments, the missing memories, what I deserved but never got.

I missed the smiling photos, full of the resonance of truth and a genuine gratitude. I missed the moments of him putting his hand on my belly, the smiling when he found out we were pregnant again. I missed the sad clingings to one another after the loss of our daughters. I missed the pride on his face when we became a family at our wedding. I missed those Kodak moments, you know the ones...the ones where we talk about "our design style", "our favorite vacation spot", "our movie night".
It looks as though I missed out on a life, the one I wanted, the one I worked so hard for. I missed out on those happy and sad moments, all the moments you're supposed to get, good and bad, all the moments that remind you that life is not spent alone, in solitude.

He never laughed with me during family moments, the ones you're supposed to carry in your heart forever. I never got the moments when we cry at the birth of our new child, or embrace at the sound of his first word. He didn't hug me when my eldest graduated, didn't go with us when we moved him to college. He didn't help me after my surgery, instead put on headphones and ignored my pleading for help and painkillers. I don't understand. I cannot. I will not. I got nothing out of this. The worst part is that I did nothing about it. Does that mean I got what I deserve? I kept thinking it would get better. I kept thinking that something would trigger an emotion, evoke a response, conjure up a feeling. Think of every moment you've shared with another, good or bad, and think of how connected you felt at that moment. I have none in my memory.
I have finally reached that point where I can't even watch an HGTV show without being sad that I'm not a part of the family looking for a new home, or renovating their backyard. As silly as it sounds, that's the life I wanted, and still want. What can I possibly have to look forward to now? I missed out on all of it. No home movies, no family outings, no cozy nights on the couch. I have to start over. How???

I see so much pain in this world, and I find myself feeling envy toward those less fortunate. Many time they have someone, a "someone" to share in their struggle, to hold them at night, to lean on. I have no one. I made a huge mistake and it's too late and now I'm too old to start over. I can't stay. I'm afraid to go. I am so sad and so full of questions and statements and regret. I need so badly for him to hear me, but he has nothing but contempt for me. Nothing but disgust, and I have no idea why. I can't figure it out and it's so difficult.

I live with a person who only acknowledges me if I speak over and over again, only answers a questions if I ask over and over again, and then only gives cryptic answers. I can't get a full response, can't get a decision. I can't ask about a parking ticket because he won't answer me. Meanwhile, my life hangs in the balance, dangling like raw meat awaiting the lions. I can't afford to leave, I can't afford to stay. I have no currency with which to live. None financial, none emotional. I simply wait. I sit, I lay, I cry, I stand, I drive, I speak. Alone.

Lucid

I'm still awake. I'm lucid, sobbing, sniffling. I'm a wreck, as is usually the case at night. I feel like I'm nauseous, dizzy, aching and everything in between. I try to rest. My throat hurts. My eyes burn. My skull feels like it's caving in like wet paper mache. I can't feel my fingertips as I type this now, this memoir of a sad, lonely woman with no hope for a normal life. That almost looks funny as I read it back to myself. Pretty corny. Yet, sadly, true.

Watching Vanilla Ice flip houses isn't helping me fall asleep. It just reminds me, as he pressure-washes the chemicals off the concrete, erasing the damage, that I am expendable. I guess I always was. I hate to beat a dead horse, but there isn't much one can do in this situation BUT relive details over and over. I pick apart every mistake I am responsible for, reasoning that it would not be cause for me to cheat or leave. I don't ask for much and I can put up with quite a bit. I'm socially active enough that I can talk, drink and dance my way into forgetting most things that are not acceptable in a relationship. I guess I never thought that I'd have to walk away for some of those things. I always figured that I would prevail in the end, that I'd show them. We'd last. He'd love me the way I needed to be loved. I really did. I have no idea what I was thinking and I really feel genuine concern for those around me who believe they have something special. It's not that they don't, it's just that special is something you think you have NOW. The only time a person looks back and says it was special is if the person is still with them, or has died. No one looks back after being heartbroken and says, "It was such a special relationship that we had." No one.

How could they? I mean, if it's over and they're still alive, somebody got hurt. Special doesn't break your heart, shred your ego apart and humiliate you. Special sticks around, chooses you first, makes you their priority. Special needs you, appreciates you, forgives you and adores you.

Erasure

So, it's night again. On this night, I feel like I want to write in a subdued blue-type color, like the deep color of the sky in summer at midnight. I'm remembering summer nights right now. I'm remembering all the memories and experiences I now have to try to erase, delete, from my psyche.


I'm on Facebook and I get messages from people who like to "dabble". They share with me who my ex is friends with now, who they heard he's chatting with. We're still living together, we're not even divorced, but he's moved on. I have too, but in the sense of realizing that I was not good enough. THAT type of "moved on".
I go through my photos, carefully and thoughtfully removing his name from them, "untagging" him so that my image will no longer appear in his online albums. He has erased me, so why should anyone see me? Why would anyone want to see me. I don't matter. I never did.


To erase yourself from the world of another is a daunting task. It's dark. It's embarrassing. It's sorrowful and it's infuriating. I feel like if I don't do it, he will. I am incredibly self-punishing, so it seems to fit. As I carefully look at each photo, I ponder whether this will hurt him, my removing myself. I wonder if I will ever put the photos back, if he will ever request that I do. I look through the travel and vacation photos, thinking about whether this one or that one will matter to him, whether the experiences mattered. I don't believe so. In my heart, it feels like I'm disappearing from existence in his world. And no one in his world, including him, gives a shit.


I have a habit of getting rid of photos with a man if he's mistreated me, yet somehow, removing photos from a marriages seems wrong. I don't know whether this is the right decision, I just feel like no one cares if I exist, so why not go away? I just don't see the point of sticking around so I can be the joke. I am the joke. I don't want to be the joke anymore.


I want to meet someone. I want to have romance and chemistry. I want someone to see right into me, to see my fears, my dreams, my aspirations, once stolen by another. I want someone to know that I ache, I mourn, I feel loss. I have empathy and sadness for those in need, in pain, in isolation. I want to reach out and nurture those people, yet I have nothing for myself. I just feel hollow. I want someone to fill the space with smiles and joy. I just want to feel again. I know what I want, need and can take on. I know what I can give, offer and promise for another day. I have things inside that can change another. I need someone to decide I'm worthy, that I am worth the risk. That I am no risk at all. That I am a gem, a treasure, a joy.


What I want is to wake up and have what I lost, only with someone to whom I matter. I don't want to wait. I am impatient. I don't have much time. What I want is what I didn't get the last time. I just want peace.

Between

I once heard, and then heard again and again throughout my young adult life, that if someone can come between you and your love, there was nothing between you to begin with. Is that what it was? Was it simply a worthless waste of time, destroyed because you let someone else come in between us? What was it? I'm laying here, reminding myself that 3 days ago I felt stronger. I know it's a work in progress. I am aware that it will take time. I am impatient. I want to find someone. I have spent so much time on this thing I thought we had. I was ready. I came into a space where, most days anyway, I felt comfortable, if not a little disappointed. I had someone. MY someone. No one else's; just mine. No matter what, I had a SOMEONE to counter my ME.


I don't want to begin again. I don't want to start over. I don't want to get to know a new someone. I want you to rewind time and take away what you did, what you said. I want you to rewind time and feel what you were supposed to feel, what I deserved from you, what I wanted from you. I just wanted to "be". I wanted to grow and change together, to learn to fit like puzzle pieces, to adjust, to share, to join. I had no illusions about what people are when they marry. You don't wake up and become better, but I believe, at your best, you learn and grow and become a part of what you promised you already were. I have friends who seem so happy, so grateful, so joined and so special. I thought that if I didn't have it at first, it was worthy and fully capable of growing in that direction. I thought, at the very least, that you found me to be someone special for you. I really thought I was and it made me very happy. I felt like of all the people in the world, I was the one who made the grumpy, tough guy feel important and loved. I thought that in your eyes I was perfect, for you. Just a little strange, but just perfect for you. I thought that our few similarities could grow. I thought we could see the world together, could experience new things together.


I guess I just really wanted a partner in crime. Yet you continued to push me further and further away, finally choosing to dismiss me for others. Between me and you, it changed. Between me and you, she came. Between me and you, you inserted your ego, your lack of interest, your lack of love. You came in between us. You did it deliberately and carefully, knowingly and cruelly. You did what you wanted and in the end you will lose, but for now, I'm the one who suffers. I suffer because I spent my love, my life, my tears, my sweat, my heart and soul on this thing. I am spent. I am bankrupt, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. I lose for now because I emptied my account while you filled yours. And no matter what the fuck more "together" people say, it fucking sucks.