Erasure

So, it's night again. On this night, I feel like I want to write in a subdued blue-type color, like the deep color of the sky in summer at midnight. I'm remembering summer nights right now. I'm remembering all the memories and experiences I now have to try to erase, delete, from my psyche.


I'm on Facebook and I get messages from people who like to "dabble". They share with me who my ex is friends with now, who they heard he's chatting with. We're still living together, we're not even divorced, but he's moved on. I have too, but in the sense of realizing that I was not good enough. THAT type of "moved on".
I go through my photos, carefully and thoughtfully removing his name from them, "untagging" him so that my image will no longer appear in his online albums. He has erased me, so why should anyone see me? Why would anyone want to see me. I don't matter. I never did.


To erase yourself from the world of another is a daunting task. It's dark. It's embarrassing. It's sorrowful and it's infuriating. I feel like if I don't do it, he will. I am incredibly self-punishing, so it seems to fit. As I carefully look at each photo, I ponder whether this will hurt him, my removing myself. I wonder if I will ever put the photos back, if he will ever request that I do. I look through the travel and vacation photos, thinking about whether this one or that one will matter to him, whether the experiences mattered. I don't believe so. In my heart, it feels like I'm disappearing from existence in his world. And no one in his world, including him, gives a shit.


I have a habit of getting rid of photos with a man if he's mistreated me, yet somehow, removing photos from a marriages seems wrong. I don't know whether this is the right decision, I just feel like no one cares if I exist, so why not go away? I just don't see the point of sticking around so I can be the joke. I am the joke. I don't want to be the joke anymore.


I want to meet someone. I want to have romance and chemistry. I want someone to see right into me, to see my fears, my dreams, my aspirations, once stolen by another. I want someone to know that I ache, I mourn, I feel loss. I have empathy and sadness for those in need, in pain, in isolation. I want to reach out and nurture those people, yet I have nothing for myself. I just feel hollow. I want someone to fill the space with smiles and joy. I just want to feel again. I know what I want, need and can take on. I know what I can give, offer and promise for another day. I have things inside that can change another. I need someone to decide I'm worthy, that I am worth the risk. That I am no risk at all. That I am a gem, a treasure, a joy.


What I want is to wake up and have what I lost, only with someone to whom I matter. I don't want to wait. I am impatient. I don't have much time. What I want is what I didn't get the last time. I just want peace.