Between

I once heard, and then heard again and again throughout my young adult life, that if someone can come between you and your love, there was nothing between you to begin with. Is that what it was? Was it simply a worthless waste of time, destroyed because you let someone else come in between us? What was it? I'm laying here, reminding myself that 3 days ago I felt stronger. I know it's a work in progress. I am aware that it will take time. I am impatient. I want to find someone. I have spent so much time on this thing I thought we had. I was ready. I came into a space where, most days anyway, I felt comfortable, if not a little disappointed. I had someone. MY someone. No one else's; just mine. No matter what, I had a SOMEONE to counter my ME.


I don't want to begin again. I don't want to start over. I don't want to get to know a new someone. I want you to rewind time and take away what you did, what you said. I want you to rewind time and feel what you were supposed to feel, what I deserved from you, what I wanted from you. I just wanted to "be". I wanted to grow and change together, to learn to fit like puzzle pieces, to adjust, to share, to join. I had no illusions about what people are when they marry. You don't wake up and become better, but I believe, at your best, you learn and grow and become a part of what you promised you already were. I have friends who seem so happy, so grateful, so joined and so special. I thought that if I didn't have it at first, it was worthy and fully capable of growing in that direction. I thought, at the very least, that you found me to be someone special for you. I really thought I was and it made me very happy. I felt like of all the people in the world, I was the one who made the grumpy, tough guy feel important and loved. I thought that in your eyes I was perfect, for you. Just a little strange, but just perfect for you. I thought that our few similarities could grow. I thought we could see the world together, could experience new things together.


I guess I just really wanted a partner in crime. Yet you continued to push me further and further away, finally choosing to dismiss me for others. Between me and you, it changed. Between me and you, she came. Between me and you, you inserted your ego, your lack of interest, your lack of love. You came in between us. You did it deliberately and carefully, knowingly and cruelly. You did what you wanted and in the end you will lose, but for now, I'm the one who suffers. I suffer because I spent my love, my life, my tears, my sweat, my heart and soul on this thing. I am spent. I am bankrupt, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. I lose for now because I emptied my account while you filled yours. And no matter what the fuck more "together" people say, it fucking sucks.